A Time for Reflection

New year is a good time for both reflection and resolution. This year I have not made any resolutions but I have spent some of my down time reflecting on how both I and my  business have grown and developed over the past four years.

Reflection is very important in the work that I do as a mediator, coach and trainer. I have got into the habit of engaging in reflection as it is part of my continuous development and learning. As Confucius put it “There are three methods of gaining wisdom. The first is reflection, which is the highest. The second is imitation, which is the easiest. The third is experience, which is the bitterest”.

So here is some of the wisdom that I have gained along the way through reflection:-

Carpe Diem

Like many people I was deeply saddened to hear the news of Robin William’s untimely death.  It is always tragic when family and friends have to deal with such a loss and it is certainly very difficult for me to imagine what pain he must have been in to take his own life. I never had the privilege to meet him but his wide range of work had touched me deeply. 

I used to love the craziness of Mork and Mindy. Following the recent news I revisited it and introduced my 16-year-old son to the delights of “Nanu Nanu”. We giggled away together, and it was even better than I had remembered; maybe I didn’t quite get some of the more adult humour first time around?

The film role that had the most impact on me was Dead Poets Society, I have seen it a number of times and it still has the capacity to make me cry. Robin Williams played the role of John Keating a truly inspirational teacher who had a huge impact on the lives of the boys he taught.

For me the film has a number of messages that are important to our lives and careers. I can not possibly compete with John Keating, as portrayed so brilliantly by Robin Williams, but as a mentor, coach and mediator my aspiration is to try to in some way enable others to understand their own uniqueness, have the confidence and self-belief to achieve their potential, to think in new and different ways and to continually grow. These are the messages that particularly resonate with me.

•  “Why do I stand up here? Anybody? I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way.”   – Opening up our own and others minds to new and different perspectives can create new learning and endless possibilities.
• “O Captain, my Captain. Who knows where that comes from? Anybody? Not a clue? It’s from a poem by Walt Whitman about Mr. Abraham Lincoln. Now in this class you can either call me Mr. Keating, or if you’re slightly more daring, ‘O Captain my Captain’.”    –  Have the courage to be brave, daring and different. 
• “Now we all have a great need for acceptance, but you must trust that your beliefs are unique, your own, even though others may think them odd or unpopular, even though the herd may go (imitating a goat) “that’s baaaaad”. Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in the wood and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.”     –   Celebrate your uniqueness, trying to fit in a culture that does not fit with your values and beliefs will not bring long-term happiness and well-being. 
• “I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.”    –    Be enquiring and curious in everything you do; “why” is one of the best questions that we can ask and one that will lead to life long learning.  The right attitude is far more important than a string of qualifications (although you would not think so from the media hype around A level results today.)
• “Boys, you must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Don’t be resigned to that. Break out!”    –   Identify what is important to you and have the confidence to speak out for what you believe in.  
•  “They’re not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they’re destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? – – Carpe – – hear it? – – Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.”      –      Remember that everyone has a sense of vulnerability, even those who appear to have infinite confidence, power and success. The truly powerful leaders are not afraid to admit this.  Believe in yourself and have the confidence that you too can do great things; starting from today
•  “We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race, and the human race is filled with passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.”     –        Passion and emotion are what make us human. We should not underestimate the importance of passion and emotion, it is what will truly motivate and engage people. We also need to learn to pay more attention to our own emotions and understand and acknowledge the emotional impact we can have on others; this can be very powerful in building better relationships.
• “No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.”   –    Words are powerful, they have a great capacity to hurt, to heal, to inspire and motivate ( See previous post “Take care with words; they matter more than you may think.”)  

 

 

 

 

Neutral Assessment: another conflict resolution option

Neutral Assessment is a valuable and effective alternative in certain conflict situations; combining some of the advantages of an investigation and a mediation.

Neutral Assessment is particularly useful where there are complex HR issues that need to be explored, for example where there are large group conflicts or collective grievances resulting in dysfunctional teams. Alternatively it can be useful where there are no specific allegations but it is clear that people are stressed and impacted by the situation. It is outside of any formal processes; it is not about who is right or wrong but focuses on finding solutions with a fresh set of eyes.

Take care with words; they matter more than you may think

We all know the nursery rhyme “Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.” Equally, I am sure that we have all been hurt by words spoken to us and have hurt others by our own words. It is clear that words do matter; they can be hurtful but they do also have the capacity to heal. The choice of the words we use can have a positive or negative impact so we need to be particularly careful when we wish to maintain positive relationships, are seeking to resolve conflict, having a difficult conversations or providing feedback.

Reframing; moving the picture frame for a different view.

Reframing is a really useful technique that can be used to good effect in workplace mediation and conflict management. It is a tool to help parties to view things in a different way, to open up different view points or to get a different picture.

In the context of mediation positive reframing is where the mediator restates a party’s (usually negative) statements or points of view in more neutral or positive language but without changing the meaning. Restating helps parties to appreciate that you have listened and understood them, but when restated in more neutral terms, it can also encourage them to appreciate how others may view things. It also shifts the focus from the person to the behaviour concerned.

Positive reframing may also help to identify the gap that exists between the two opposing viewpoints and identify the issue that needs to be resolved. This can help to focus on what the future solutions might be.

To demonstrate; think of a current irritation or moan and then try to reframe this as a more positive statement. An example could be “my husband is really irritating” which could be reframed as “you would like to understand what it is about what he says and does that try’s your patience“! You can have some fun with this; try it at home.

I recently heard an analogy for reframing as being like a picture frame which can be moved around so that when the frame is moved you see a different part of the picture. The frame defines what you look at and how you see the picture; move the frame and another picture emerges. This got me thinking about how this relates to how we tend to respond in a conflict situation and how mediation works to resolve disputes.

• In mediation who is right and who is wrong is irrelevant, in my view there is no such thing and it is all a question of each person having a different perspective; both of which is the truth to them. They are looking at the same picture but the frames are in different places and so they see different things.
• Individuals who find themselves in a conflict situation often take up fixed positions or viewpoints and they struggle to see the wider picture or a appreciate a different aspect. They struggle in this analogy to move the frame.
• The role of the mediator (or other person helping to resolve conflict) is to encourage the parties to open their eyes to a different part of the picture or maybe to a larger part of the picture. By altering the picture frame we have a chance of seeing a different view-point.
• The fixed view of the picture could also impact on the frame of mind. Change the view and this may also alter the attitude which again could open up new possibilities for resolution.

Like most things reframing is a skill that gets easier the more you practice it. When ever you are seeking to help others resolve conflict try reframing so that you can help others to move their frame and see a different picture, it may well help to get a fuller picture and greater understanding.

 

I should be so lucky

Last night I took part in the CEO Sleep out in Cardiff and had what I think was officially the worst nights sleep ever! It was however for a very good cause and it has really brought home to me how incredibly hard it must be to sleep out regularly and how desperate it would be to have to do so.

 

Here are my thoughts and lessons from the experience.

Appearance matters; a story of the wrong trousers.

I had two evening events in my diary last week, a CIPD event and a Cardiff Business Club dinner. In my head the CIPD event was on Wednesday and the dinner on Thursday. It turned out that I was wrong, leading to a dress code faux pas.

I got home earlier than expected on Wednesday following a mediation so I decided to change from my business dress (albeit fairly casual business dress) into what might be called “smart casual”. I knew that would not be an issue at a CIPD event where there would be a diverse group of people and no formality. I duly arrived at the Village Hotel only to find an ACCA event on.

I was obviously in the wrong place and on checking my diary realised that I should be at the Cardiff business Club dinner at St David’s Hotel. I did not have time to go back home and change again so I had two options:-

a) go and front it out; or,

b) waste the hard-earned cash used to pay for my place and go home.

I did seriously consider option b) but concluded that this was cowardly and stupid and therefore I would go.

So I turned up in a pair of jeans, with some very nice sparkly shoes (as shown). Fortunately I had a  long dress coat as well which hid some of my outfit. However in no way did my outfit fit the very formal dress code required; I was very much in the wrong trousers.

I apologised for my appearance on arrival and explained the mix up and was told not to worry. I did however feel like a complete idiot and felt very uncomfortable and embarrassed all evening. I was not my usual chatty self and I did not circulate as I would do normally but tried to slink into corners and speak to people I knew well. Matters were not helped by my being on one of the top tables near the front and sat next to the secretary who had the job of reminding everyone about the dress code.

The whole evening was excruciating and I could not help wishing that I had taken option b). I cannot remember feeling quite so uncomfortable at an event ever. This was really quite strange as I am not what you would call a shrinking violet. So this got me thinking how appearance really does matter in a number of ways

• First impressions count. As soon as we meet someone we immediately make a large number of judgements and assumptions  based on their appearance. I sometimes do an exercise in my training to illustrate this. Before introducing myself I ask the delegates to jot down answers to a number of questions; for example, how old am I, where do I live, what car do I drive, what music do I like etc. The answers are illuminating (although strangely all answer 21 for the first question). Studies show that these first impressions occur within the first 5-7 seconds of meeting and if the assumptions we have made turn out to be wrong it takes another 20 further experiences with the person to correct our first impressions. In many situations you will of course not get such an opportunity. So we do need to take care to make our first impressions really count; not something I achieved on Wednesday.
• Establishing rapport. Appearance also matters in establishing rapport. If I were to turn up to a mediation in certain environments in a formal business suit this may well prevent me establishing rapport quickly and effectively. My appearance is likely to set a barrier to establishing rapport which helps parties to feel that there is a safe environment where they can be open and honest and trust in my role as a mediator and the process.  If I am in formal business dress and the parties to the mediation are not then they are likely to feel uncomfortable and I will not connect with them in the same way as I might do otherwise. So I always think carefully about matching my dress to the situation and the people I am meeting. (I am of course making stereotypical assumptions when doing this).
• Impacts on how we feel. Appearance impacts on how we ourselves feel;  how confident or uncomfortable we are in a situation. If our appearance does not match the occasion and those around us then it will affect us, however much we might think it will not and should not. Maybe there are some really confident mavericks out there who would not be effected in this situation. However I suspect that many people in my position on Wednesday would have taken option b) and not gone to the event  and I myself was surprised just how much it impacted on how I felt and behaved.
• Creates a barrier. Not having the “right” appearance where there are set dress codes may set up such barriers that this leads to people excluding themselves from certain events or occasions which could be damaging to encouraging open and diverse forums.

The result of all this for me will be consign my jeans and sparkly shoes to those occasions when I know they are absolutely acceptable and to check my diary more carefully in the future.

Last Christmas

Life can change in a moment. This was dramatically demonstrated to our family this Christmas.

7 Leadership lessons from Malky Mackay v Vincent Tan

I am not a football fan but I have been following the events at Cardiff City culminating in the sacking of Malky Mackay with increasing fascination. To me it is interesting as an example (played out in the full glare of the media) of a failure to demonstrate leadership skills at the highest level resulting in deteriorating  relationships between senior leaders and managers.

Here are my thoughts and comments on the recent events; prefaced with a disclaimer that I am relying on the accuracy of the extensive press coverage and making an assumption that a football club should be run in the same way as other businesses. I do accept that both of those prefaces may be incorrect!

Court v Mediation; my verdict.

I recently had the experience of attending court to give evidence and being subjected to cross-examination. This was probably one of the most daunting experiences of my professional life. Whilst I have plenty of experience of litigation from a solicitors perspective this was an entirely different experience and not one that I ever want to have to repeat. However, trying to take a positive from every experience in life, I was determined to use this as an opportunity for learning and I could not help myself comparing the legal process to my experience of workplace mediation in practice.